Steve Hayes
In afterlife, we won’t miss Steve’s torrent of words,
Anymore than we would the flood of 1937
Or cancer or cold sores or taxes or turds.
Let’s hope WNXT doesn’t broadcast in heaven.
Wayne Allen
This photojournalist doesn’t know hair
From hare or fair from fare or stare from stair.
We wonder, Wayne, on Valentine’s Day, just who is
As homonymically challenged as you is.
Frank Lewis
And speaking of “just who is,”
This is a valentine for Frank Lewis,
A reporter who’s told as many lies
As a horse’s ass has flies.
In the spirit of the K.K.K.,
This valentine’s for Jo Ann Aeh.
Hail to her, our long-term city clerk,
Always willing for the wrong to work.
This is a valentine for the lazy auditor
Who majored in music education.
What he thinks a spreadsheet’s for
Is for noting his sick days and vacation.
This is a valentine for the councilman who’s a disaster.
In his career he’s played musical chairs like a concert master.
Sometimes he threw chairs at students in exasperation.
Have I mentioned he majored in music education?
No valentines for him, definitely not. Alas, alack!
He’s the city solicitor who makes us wish Kuhn was back.
The lady with the scales hangs her head in shame.
He’s the dumb donut man, and Mike Jones is his name.
A deadbeat lawyer, one of whose specialties is wrecks,
He's engaged in extra-car-icular stuff that might trouble you:
This clean-cut cad is mud-wrestling in court with his ex-
Valentine over custody of a BMW.
Police Chief Horner
The second most incompetent chief in history,
This valentine to you with pain is fraught.
Why they hired you is a mystery,
Why they want to fire you is not.
Tom Bihl
Definitely not a teetotaler, his career was a total wreck.
Definitely not a teetotaler, his career was a total wreck.
As police chief, he was the worst of all time.
As auditor, he was a walking bad check
Who didn't get away with crime.
Mike Mearan
He once sued me for calling him a “shyster.”
Sorry, Mike, I should have said “whore meister.”
Did you send valentines, Mike, pray tell,
To all those girls you sent to hell?
Ex-Mayor Kalb
On Valentine’s Day, it’s great to have you back.
We’re not going to complain
About those little things you lack—
Like ability, a backbone, and a brain.
Rev. Mayor Malone
You prayed on the city hall steps,
You prayed you’d be mayor.
God, help us poor schleps—
We don’t have a prayer.
Some say he’s malign;
Some say he’s a trouble-bringer;
But the name on my valentine
For him is “The Finger.”
Clayton Johnson
He’s the unseen puppet master.
He’s the Lizard of Laws.
He’s St. Valentine’s Day Massacre.
He’s the Godfather, with claws.
Portsmouth, Ohio
We have to give credit where credit is due,
And the credit, dear Portsmouth, belongs to you.
All these shady valentines are reflections of
The river city that we hate and love.
