Saturday, May 19, 2012

Dr. Albrecht’s Miracle Magic Snake Oil Fifth-Third Elixir

Fifth-Third Building Remains Option for City Hall.” Front page headline in Portsmouth Daily Times (Click here).

    “Hey, look what I got here, folks, Dr. Albrecht’s Miracle Magic  Fifth-Third Snake Oil Elixir, guaranteed to cure the Municipal Building Blues and the Marting Blahs so the building would have   value so you pay them based on the value of that lease so you turn around and rent the rest of the building to the city and included in the rent is maintaining the HVAC and the roof repairs and maintenance because that way the city doesn’t come up with any cash and the Marting’s Foundation would then tear down the Marting’s building which the city owns and build a large public parking lot on that property because   Fifth-Third   likes the idea of having a big parking lot across the street from them and then selling the existing city building property on Second Street  to whoever wants to buy it can buy it so they would sell it for whatever they can get for it at an auction to a private developer because the governor  wants to help us by coming up with 3-, 4-, 70-, 80-, 100-people companies and bring them down here and do something quick because Shawnee State is getting this marvelous deed to the Internet super-highway for a  lot of software companies there’s insurance companies there’s banks there’s people that use the Internet that would like to have sites to tap into this Internet so what happens if we tear down the city building and build a nice new building on that property and put in three or four floors of office space and tie into that Internet then the governor would call up a software company and tell them we have a university where we can train your people and we’ve got a hundred gigabyte Internet and we’ve got office space that is probably 30 percent cheaper than what it is where you are and area business leaders are working to try to make the plan become a reality because it is important to me and the others involved that we  keep the public misinformed and out of the loop during every step of the process and  all you have to do is take a few spoonfuls of my Miracle   Magic Fifth-Third   Snake Oil Elixir before bedtime and one fine morning you’ll wake up and Marting’s will be a parking lot and the city offices will be in the   Fifth-Third  Building and on the site of the Municipal Building will be a nice new building that will go to the highest bidder in an auction like the one I rigged in Athens because the governor promised me he would come up with 3-, 4-, 70-, 80-, 100-people companies because the   Fifth-Third   Bank likes the idea and included in the rent is maintaining the same bullshit over and over again since Shawnee State’s got a hundred gigabyte Internet every step of the process and if you’re still with me you’re a bigger chuckle-headed, double-talked to fool that I thought you were and have Indian Rocks in your head.

Now, who’d like a bottle of Fifth-Third Snake Oil Elixir before we begin the rigged bidding on the Municipal Building?”

What the Fifth-Third Building looks like after a few swigs of Dr. AlbrechtMiracle Magic Snake Oil Elixir.

Thursday, May 03, 2012

Survey of Men About Town

"Dubya," Rob "Porkman," and "the Baggage."

Does  Rob Portman have too much Bush baggage to be Romney's running mate?

"There's no way Portman is going to get the bikers' vote. He has no balls. The guy's a closet kayaker." 

"Not only is Portman not going to get the bikers' vote, he's not going to get the accountants' either. The guy has no head for figures. Look what he did when he was Bush's budget adviser."

"I say homosexuality is an abomination but adultery is no sin and carrying someone else's baggage isn't either. I've been carrying Neal Hatcher's for years and I wouldn't be mayor if I didn't. Have you seen my Go for it, Lord! bumper sticker?"

"I wouldn't vote for anyone who's not a FOK, or haven't you seen my Friend of Kevin's bumper sticker?"

"I subscribe to the proverb. which is on the bumper of my seventeen sports cars,  Never marry a virgin or vote for a politician who has not been bankrupt at least once."

"With my bumper sticker, Designated Bumptious Stinker, I would say Portman's nice guy reputation would be a definite hindrance for him as vice president. What he should do is open a bar and offer drinks at half price to all independent voters."